FanPost

The (Sardonic) GM for a Day

Well, Week 2 has come and gone and, as GM of the Cardinals, I see no reason to hit the panic button just yet.  There are, however, some disturbing patterns emerging here that, despite years of neglect, haven't yet managed to fix themselves.

Problem 1:
Our offensive tackles suck.
Problem 2:
Our outside linebackers suck.
Problem 3:
Our offense continues to confuse "ball security" with "wearing a cup."

Solutions after the jump!

Step 1:
Trade Levi Brown for Jason Worilds.*  This makes sense for both teams.  Worilds is a promising young OLB who has spent two years in the Pittsburgh system.  With Harrison & Woodley locked up for years, Worilds will never see a defensive snap.

As for Levi, Pittsburgh loves offensive linemen who can't pass block.  Paying Levi to play makes more sense for them than paying Willie Colon to perpetually rehab.

This being done, I snipe a promising young offensive tackle off of a practice squad somewhere.  I cut D'Anthony Batiste because, let's face it, he's an OT and he's signed to our roster; therefore, he sucks.  For all I care, Russ Grimm can play LT himself but if he puts up a big fuss, I start Bridges.

*I will also accept a Terrible Towel signed by Ben Roethlisberger.  Upon receipt, I will burn said Towel.

Step 2:
Cut Porter & Haggans.*  I'm not sure what conniving lackey broke out the old snake-tongue and convinced me keeping these two around for another year was a good idea but I'm pretty sure it was one of the guys I hired who worked on Dubya's re-election campaign.  Politicians can be so clever...

These two nincompoops completely spent themselves mustering nearly-passable performances in Week 1, and I was almost fooled.  Happily, the Redskins reminded me that these two can't shed blocks, can't cover, and the only pass rush moves I have ever seen them display are limited to:

- Slapfighting
- Falling Down
- Pattycake
- Hoping the Large, Angry Men Staring them Down are Open to Bribes

I myself have been known to enjoy all of the above (particularly when alcohol is involved), so you may be thinking of me as a hypocrite at this point.  However, I have one other, indisputable fact:  these old coots are keeping my young players from valuable experience, and I have to say that I would feel a lot better about giving up almost 500 yards a game defensively if I was starting young players and letting them learn from their mistakes, rather than a couple veterans who continually display no ability to play their position.

I will then re-sign Cyril Obiozor.  He may not have done much with his NFL career to this point, but he was the only OLB on the roster who was consistently winning 1-on-1 in the preseason. 

Cyril, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, I'll let you deliver the news to Porter & Haggans yourself. Please come back.

He and Schofield start, with Acho and others (Worilds) learning the defense.
As insurance, I will also randomly select and sign one OLB from the following list:
Antwan Applewhite
Ricky Elmore
Marc Schiechl
Everette Brown
Korey Bosworth

*Note to Self: See about packaging Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum to Denver for Tim Tebow. It'll probably be easier to convert him to an OLB than an NFL QB and in the meantime, oh, the jerseys that boy will sell...


Step 3:
Make an example out of Chansi Stuckey.  I admit, when I suggested it in the game thread it was out of frustration at witnessing all that I have built collapse under the weight of its own incompetence.  However, now that I've had time to cool down and do a little digging, I have learned that my gut is wise indeed.

In his career, Stuckey has touched a football 112 times.  He is credited with 4 fumbles, 3 lost.  For comparison, Jerheme Urban has touched a football 91 times.  He is credited with 1 fumble (which was lost).  I'm not sure how I managed to find the one receiver in the league that makes Jerheme Urban look like he takes care of the football, but I do know that I no longer have room on my roster for the guy.

To make this appear fair to the other players, I will then institute a new two-part initiative:
1: Turn the Ball Over, Get Cut
2: Kevin Kolb is Exempt from the First Rule

Kevin, if you're reading this, send more bacon!

<em>This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Revenge of the Birds' (ROTB) editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of ROTB's editors.</em>

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