Arizona Cardinals Public Relations Director Mark Dalton (in the background): " Okay, here it comes - the NFL's most exciting time of the off season - the fabulous free agent period!"
"Drew Stanton...Come on down!"
"Jasper Brinkley...Come on down!"
Yeremiah Bell...Come on down!"
Karlos Dansby...Come on down!"
"You are the four free agent contestants on the "If The Price Is Right!"
"And now your coach, Bruce Arians!" (Arians walks through a red curtain with an extremely long microphone and bows appreciatively toward the crowd and the players.)
Arians: Welcome to "If The Price Is Right!" Where if you correctly determine what your signing value SHOULD be, and keep in mind, the company has been doing mostly one year, performance-based contracts, you could be in line to spin the Big Wheel next season and go to our Showcase Showdown, where you could win.....A BRAND NEW CAR!! Nah, just kidding - just a chance for a long term contract."
"So, Mark what's the first item up for bid?"
Dalton: "Well, Bruce, it's a slightly used insider linebacker position that may be temporary or not, depending on the previous owner's ability to take his head away from his backside. It's insured from Lloyd's of London but the price keeps dropping. It comes with playing time but not the promise of longtime employment. It also comes with a year supply of houseplants by Missedmebythatmuchbitch Flowers - guaranteed to glance you and your vehicle by inches but not able to fend off off lawyers and crazy women. Missedmebythatmuchbitch Flowers - a Golddigger product."
"And all this could be yours - - if the price is right."
Arians: Okay, Drew. We'll starting off the bidding with you. What do you bid on the Arizona Cardinals inside linebacker job?"
Stanton: Uhhh, I was looking for the starting quarterback nod..and a chandelier. I don't have a clue about the price of a good inside linebacker, so I guess 26 million. Carson Palmer doesn't have a chandelier, does he?"
Arians: "26 million?"
Stanton: " My buddy Matthew Stafford got that as signing bonus, ain't that the going rate? And he bought that War of the Roses light thing with his money. Micheal Douglas and Kathleen Turner autographed it and Danny DeVito licked one of the bulbs. It's public record ."
Arians: " Okaayyy... Don't think that will fit on the board in front of you... Jasper Brinkley?"
Brinkley: " I got this one. I was made to fit the Sam, I am what is needed and I know the price, 3.5 million with a $400,000 signing bonus. I get to reach into your pocket if I'm correct, Bruce and going to be looking deep for the money."
Arians: " But you're nondescript. You needed to wear a low cut tee shirt with 'If you thought Bruce's Kangol hat is large you should see the other hat he wears Down Under'. Your shot, Yeremiah Bell?"
Bell: "I thought we was bidding on a walker and respirator. I'm kinda tired and all so I'll pass. But a chandelier would be nice. Me and my wife always wanted a chandelier. It reminds me of a time when I was a kid and the electric light wasn't invented yet and... did I mention I knew Thomas Edison? He and I were great friends..and I like chandeliers. So, just like the outta control Medicare budget deficit, I'm saying 240 billion dollars..and 68 cents."
Arians: "Keim! During commercial break we need to talk. And... Dansby. You're familar with this product. You've priced this before, so surely you would have the best idea on the worth. What's your bid, Karlos?"
Dansby: "Well, I know everyone is going to think everyone else overbid and they expect me to say one dollar. People forget that I was franchised tagged before by the Cardinals and when I left I got what I was looking for - the highest paid ILB in the history of the NFL. I've made visits to Cincy and Buffalo and I'm hoping to drive the market up in what is a weak environment. I still want to be overpaid. Therefore Bruce, I'm bidding 3 years for 5 mil a piece and you can keep the frickin' chandelier. With my protege that you so wanted to replace me in trouble and the team being 10 mil under the cap - you can't pass on me- you'll regret it forever."
Arians: "You're putting me a tough position, Karlos. But after thinking it through, I only have one thought."
"This is Bruce Arians reminding you: help keep control the free agent ILB position - have your linebacker spayed or neutered. Goodnight, everybody!"