2013 is over and 2014 has begun. A new year brings hope and optimism among most people that this year will be better for them than the one previous. It usually starts with promises or resolutions made by oneself in order to achieve that goal.
And the Arizona Cardinals are no different than you and I - other than the multi-million dollar contracts, fancy cars, unadulterated adulation and that cool, fierce robin-looking bird on the side of their head -- they have wishes and dreams also.
So, while listening to the exit interviews that the AZ beat reporters were asking on Monday, I managed to excerpt some New Year resolutions the players and (surprisingly, some former players) were stating:
John Abraham: "I'm not looking to gargle from the Fountain of Youth this offseason - I'm full going to put my mouth right over the spigot and chug it like a hot summer day without a garden hose. I'll put up more sacks than as if I was playing against Levi Brown on a daily basis."
Levi Brown: "I resolve to look closer to every Twitter message that is sent to me. When Bruce Arians tweeted 'U a elite player' I should have known that what he truly meant was scrambled. "yea, real lit up" was the true meaning.
Tyrann Mathieu: "Quit smoking and stay off the grass. No, really doctors have said inhaling cigarette smoke can stunt my healing and John Lott doesn't want me off the field 'til next season."
D/C Jefferson: " My New Year resolution is finding a tattoo parlor that can remove a large NFL team bird design that I shouldn't have placed on my abdomen when drafted. I want a much more gnarly inking of a cardinal with a bottle of booze in its mouth driving while being pulled over by Scottsdale police. That would be radical!! (and can we make the bird simultaneously dropping the bottle while moving before instructed?? That would be psyche!"
Javier Arenas: " I resolve to turn every kickoff return next to season to at least the 30 yard line. My secret? To have my uniform made of the same material the TV first down markers are made of. It' not really on the field, so the opposing players won't be able to see me. I t will be kind of like Harry Potter with his "invisible cloak" - without the dorky glasses. I hate looking more stupider than I am."
Patrick Peterson: "Y'all know I'm going to get a Revis-like extension once the new league year begins, right?? Well, my thing for the new year is to never have my back turned on a play looking to the Jumbotron in the opposite direction. The plan is to install those big screens everywhere in stadiums. There will be one behind the QB, behind both sidelines and one in the front office when I sign that contract. Need a very large screen to capture all those zeroes after the one."
Drew Stanton: "After going three years without a pass being completed, I resolve to finally have a pass go through in 2014. I'm thinking of me being at a fancy social and seeing a Michigan State graduate and sayin', 'You must work at Subway cuz you just gave me a footlong.' Yep, that should work."
Dan Williams: " Everyone knows I have problems with my weight, so my resolution is a common one: I will increase the number of whole Little Ceasers pizza reps that I do. I will be two per hour instead of one. Also, I will start smoking in order to keep my hands busy to lose pounds."
Darnell Dockett: "My resolution for 2014 is to put more family-oriented Twitter messages, cancel the rookie haircut hazing and keep the offseason wild animal acquisitions to one. Nah,,, just f@#&*'in with y'all. I gonna get a *%$ bunch of elephants this year and who ever #BirdGang draft is gonna be one ugly mother f@&^%$*!"
Yeremiah Bell: "I'm gonna get better at covering tight ends next season. I'll do this by either being on the bench or playing for another team."
Rashad Johnson: " My resolve is to not let any more fingers fall off into my glove. I hate when that happens and if I lose any more digits or teeth people will think I'm from Arkansas or work for Walmart...or both."
Rob Housler: My 2014 resolution is tied with RJ's, literally. I'm going to duct tape his missing finger to my right hand in hopes that I will catch the ball much better next season. And if that doesn't work, RJ may have to lose another finger...and another finger...and another.....
Carson Palmer: "I seem to have problems with throwing into coverage and blaming the WRs for wrong routes or the OL for not protecting me well enough when I throw an interception. This year I promise to a.) quit blaming those guys, and b.) actually get WRs and OL that can play halfway decent."
See, even though these guys are pampered, spoiled rich kids -they have the same aspirations and goals as most of the general population. They just get to forget about earlier -- say about February when the NFL Combine begins.