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Wanted: OLB for NFC West contender

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What should the Arizona Cardinals want ad for a starting OLB look like?

Anyone want to be the Cardinals version of this guy?
Anyone want to be the Cardinals version of this guy?
Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Wanted: OLB (Outside linebacker)

For: Starting OLB position in exciting defensive scheme on talented NFC West team.

Details: Current opening in well-schemed defensive powerhouse for a talented OLB. Position allows for personal accolades, as well as overall team recognition. Ideal candidate will have a firm grasp of OLB concepts of a 3/4 defense. Able to win individual match-ups by using a well defined arsenal of techniques, not limited to but including: bull rush, swim, spin, and rip. Ability to win against double teams of OL/RB combination a plus. Candidate will show proficiency in pressuring and sacking QBs (proficiency based upon average of 10 sacks in season), including awe inspiring (NFL legal) hits that make grown men poo themselves.

While primary responsibility is making the QB dread life, at times you will be assigned other responsibilities not limited to but including: containment, dropping into coverage, shutting down the outside edge and public image. This may bring you into contact with opposing competition RBs and TEs. By all means, the poo mindset can be applied to them as well once they have the football. Since this is a flexible defense that prides itself on aggressiveness, the snot bubbles mindset can be substituted. These responsibilities may also at times bring you into contact with fans. At no time can the poo or snot bubbles mindset be applied to a fan, even if they have a football (or support an opposing team).

Candidate pluses: Cerebral player, student of film, team captain, leader, genetic freak, gym rat, chip on shoulder, personal motivator, competitive.

Perks: Located in one of the top metropolitan destinations in the United States, with plenty of sunny days, excellent golf courses, 5-star dining locals and breath-taking scenery. Hi-tech training facilities and experienced, well equipped training staff. Developing fan base looking for an OLB to immortalize in jersey sales. Did we mention making QBs poo themselves? Health insurance. NFL level support groups. Paid team travel to exciting destinations. Possibility of being voted to pro-bowl. Possible entry in Ring of Honor. Possible entry into Hall of Fame.

Salary: Negotiable, DOE. Ability to offer guaranteed monies as well as incentives.

If interested send head shot, game highlights and stats to: XXXXXXX@cueballbros.com