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Cardinals Need to Hire Gene Cousineau

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Premiere Of HBO’s ‘Barry’ - Arrivals Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

While watching Steve Keim’s and Kliff Kingsbury’s theater of the absurd press conference yesterday, I couldn’t help myself from drawing parallels to HBO’s hit series, “Barry”---simply because (as I hope most of you already know) “Barry” is a highly compelling show about the good, the bad and the ugly of---well---bad acting.

In yesterday’s episode at the Cardinals headquarters, we were greeted at the podium by Barry (Kliff Kingsbury) and Chechen crime boss NoHo Hank (Steve Keim)---you see---Barry, the expert assassin of college defenses, after being cast adrift by Texas Tech and quickly hired in LA by USC, wandered off the Trojans’ set one day and stumbled into NoHo Hank and his Chechen mob of Cardinals’ scouts who had visited Barry back in Lubbock a few times over the past five years---and let’s just say, NoHo Hank made Barry an NFL head coaching offer that “he couldn’t refuse.”

So as of yesterday---Barry has been working the job for close to 4 months now and has been learning the free agent and NFL Draft ropes from NoHo Hank and his mob of scouts---and it was time to assure Cardinals’ fans that they are doing their “due diligence” and that they still swear they have no freaking idea who the #1 pick is going to be as they are just now putting the finishing touches on their Big Board---and HOW DARE anyone speculate that any kind of decision has been made to this point.

People don’t understand---THIS IS A PROCESS!

Meanwhile, in light of 3 months worth of national speculation that the Cardinals are going to pick the 2018 Heisman Trophy winner, QB Kyler Murray, with the #1 pick in the draft (the player whom Barry has already picked at #1 a million times in his dreams)---after Murray committed to football and just so happened to sign with Barry’s agent---after Murray met with Barry and NoHo at the NFL Combine---after Barry and NoHo flew up to Norman OK to work Murray out on the same day as the Alabama Pro Day---after Barry and NoHo recently invited Murray to Arizona for a tour, more schmoozing, x’s and o’s and, of course, a lavish steak dinner----

At yesterday’s press conference a defiant NoHo Hank refuted the notion that he had ever considered taking a QB at #1 or in the draft, for that matter---I NEVER SAID THAT!!!!---and yet when asked then if taking a QB is out of the question, NoHo defiantly insisted “I NEVER SAID THAT EITHER!!!”

Meanwhile, the questions shifted over to how well the Cardinals current QB Josh Rosen is handling all the Murray to Arizona hoopla---and both Barry and NoHo lit up like Vegas casinos in avowing in NoHo’s case that:: “We’ve had good communication. He is a pro’s pro. And the one thing I’ve appreciated the most since we’ve drafted him. The kid has an unbelievable amount of mental toughness. You saw that last year as he took a beating and we went through the injuries that we went through up front. Physical toughness, mental toughness --Josh Rosen has it all.”

Yet, in light of the abusive way in which the Cardinals keep letting Rosen take hit after hit after hit, one could readily imagine that Rosen is spending his 4 hours daily at the Cardinals’ OTAs these weeks, bound, bubble-wrapped and gagged in the equipment manager’s office reading the LA Times and listening to the latest Joel Klatt interviews on The Herd.

The essential outcome of the press conference was that Barry, acting like ever the obsequious sycophant to NoHo Hank managed to say nothing meaningful in a series of terse platitudes---and that NoHo, acting like the new “big bruh” alpha in the room, managed to say nothing meaningful through a monotonous drone of circumlocutions.

And now...

What Barry and NoHo really need is Hollywood legend (in his own mind), director turned acting coach, Gene Cousineau (Henry Winkler), to arrive at team headquarters quickly and with great urgency---because Barry’s and NoHo’s next gig will be broadcasted from Nashville Tennessee, this time before a national audience on April 25th.

You see---Barry and NoHo need Gene Cousineau more now than ever because, Barry and NoHo now find themselves squarely in the midst of a tragic, irreconcilable dilemma---

If QB Kyler Murray does wind up being the Cardinals #1 pick, Barry and NoHo will then have to explain how they just turned their backs on a young QB who is already a “pro’s pro, who has it all.”

Or, on the flip side, if they shun Murray and take Nick Bosa or Quinnen Wiilliams they are going to have to explain why they catered like mules to a process that put their QB of “right now” squarely in the crosshairs of NFL pundits, critics and skeptics---for three long, excruciating months. As if three months of 45 sacks and 100 QB hits back in October to December weren’t enough?

As Ellis Boyd Redding (aka “Red”) said in the Shawshank Redemption, “Every man has his breaking point.”

But....you just know, the gag order on Josh Rosen can’t last forever.

The world deserves to know his version of the soap opera.

At least, Gene Cousineau is smart enough to know that Barry and NoHo will need to scratch the line “we were doing our due diligence” from the current script. That’s the first place to start. Beyond that, Cousineau may not be able to spare Barry and NoHo from the inevitable denouement that their bad acting has sprung---a good ol’ barrage of rotten tomatoes.